Why our resolutions fail
I'm writing this post from the cafe of the YMCA (I come here regularly, but I'm no gym rat– I drop the kids at the daycare while I work). Right now, this place is absolutely packed! I shouldn't be surprised– it always fills up during the first month of the year as people try to meet their resolution to lose weight and get in shape.
I looked it up just now– the word "resolution" only occurs once in the entire Book of Mormon. Alma 47 tells of a group of people "fixed in their minds with a determined resolution" to break out of a rut and make some wonderful changes in their way of living.
How did their resolution go? They started very strong. Then old temptations started to wear them down a bit. Then they started to cheat and compromise. And within a few weeks, they were right back where they started.
Sound familiar?
The Battle of Antipas
The group of people in the story is the Lamanite rebels under the leadership of Lehonti. Amalickiah had persuaded their king to go to war with the Nephites. The Lamanites had seen this story before: Nephite dissenters with royal ambitions showing up in their lands, stirring things up, whipping the Lamanites into a frenzy, all so they could march into the Nephite lands… and get their butts kicked. The last time they tried it, their army was only able to limp back home because Captain Moroni was gracious enough to put them under covenant instead of under ground. This time, the Lamanites resolved to do things differently. They knew this smooth-talking outsider cared nothing for their lives, and they would have none of it. They had made a promise for peace, and they resolved to keep it– even in the defiance of their king.
In the beginning, everything went great. They gathered a massive force behind them. The majority of the Lamanites supported their rebellion. They had taken over a major weapon cache. They stationed themselves on defensible high ground. They knew what they were doing was right. And they were warned well in advance of Amalickiah's arrival. They truly had every advantage.
But Amalickiah started wearing down their resolve. Three times he sent messengers up to propose peace. Amalickiah was more than willing to meet them halfway, in fact, he met them almost all the way. The rebel king only had come down just a little from the top of the mount, just to hear him out– surely that can't hurt, right? Amalickiah convinced him he was aligned with him and would support the rebellion. The king would have to give up practically nothing– just make Amalickiah second in command, surely that's a small price to pay! And even then, Amalickiah's betrayal continued subtly– poisoning the rebel king "by degrees," letting him feel he was in total control the entire time. A little sleight of hand and the murder of the other king, and the people fell right in lint– their resolution was all but forgotten after just a few months.
For the Nephites and the Lamanites, the battle of Antipas was the most important battle never fought. So much for being "fixed in their minds with a determined resolution."
Why resolutions fail
Why do we, like these well-intentioned Lamanites, lose our steam so quickly and fall back into our old ways? Why can't we seem to keep our goals to get more sleep, stick to that diet, get to the gym, or write that book?
The Lamanites "were a strong people, as to the strength of men" but they "knew nothing concerning the Lord, nor the strength of the Lord, therefore they depended upon their own strength." And this wasn't just a Lamanite problem– when the Nephites refused to involve the Lord in their battles but relied on their own strength, they, too, "were left in their own strength." And that strength is always insufficient.
Several years ago, I wrote a long list on my phone of things I wanted to improve about myself. It's a humbling exercise (even more humbling when you let your family members contribute their additions to your list).
I began the practice of periodically selecting one thing from that list as my "personal priority." I began each morning asking the Lord for help on my priority throughout the day. I reported how I did during my evening prayer, making an effort to repent of my shortcomings and ask for further strength in the day to come. It was a good system, and I felt the Lord approved of it. Yet I was discouraged to find I was still largely spinning my wheels. What happened to ask and ye shall receive? I was involving the Lord– why, then, was I still "left to my own strength?"
What lack I yet?
As I contemplated this problem, I remembered these words from the Bible Dictionary: "Many prayers remain unanswered because… they in no way represent [Christ's] mind but spring out of the selfishness of man's heart." The Spirit built on this lesson by offering me this loving rebuke:
Matthew, you naturally prioritize fixing the weaknesses that cause you pain or embarrassment. But I see what you do not see. Instead of telling Me what you want to focus on, how about you ask Me what I want you to focus on?
So, I modified my approach. When I feel it's time for a new personal priority, I bring out my list and prayerfully select a few candidates to bring to the Lord. Sometimes, the Lord prompts me to modify or refine my suggestion. Other times, like the Brother of Jared, the Lord accepts and sanctifies my imperfect suggestions. Either way, in the end, I can move forward with the confidence that I am changing in the way the Lord would have me change.
To me, at the time, this seemed like a novel concept. Which usually means it's a well-established teaching that just hadn't impacted me yet. And sure enough, shortly after learning this approach, I read Elder Larry R Lawrence's amazing talk on the subject– definitely one of my top 5 favorite conference talks of all time.
Elder Lawrence relates the story of the rich young ruler who asked Jesus "What lack I yet?" and then shares practical, real-life examples of Latter-day Saints asking the same question:
I knew a faithful mother who humbled herself and asked, “What is keeping me from progressing?” In her case, the response from the Spirit came immediately: “Stop complaining.” This answer surprised her; she had never thought of herself as a complainer…
A humble young man who couldn't seem to find the right young woman went to the Lord for help: “What is keeping me from being the right man?” he asked. This answer came into his mind and heart: “Clean up your language.” At that moment, he realized that several crude expressions had become part of his vocabulary…
[A college student] was behind in her classes, her social life was not what she had hoped for, and she was generally unhappy. Finally one day she fell to her knees and cried out, “What can I do to improve my life?” The Holy Ghost whispered, “Get up and clean your room.” This prompting came as a complete surprise, but it was just the start she needed.
But don't run faster than you have strength
Involving the Spirit in my process of selecting my "personal priority" changed my perception of my capacity. I regularly went to the Lord with a goal in mind and often seemed to hear a fatherly chuckle, as if to say "I admire your enthusiasm, kiddo, but how about we start with a tenth of that goal for you and let's see how it goes?" At first, that would frustrate me, but I quickly learned the wisdom of taking smaller bites. Better to achieve something small than to get discouraged failing at something big. Again, from Elder Lawrence:
The Holy Ghost doesn't tell us to improve everything at once. If He did, we would become discouraged and give up. The Spirit works with us at our own speed, one step at a time, or as the Lord has taught, “line upon line, precept upon precept, … and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, … for unto him that receiveth I will give more.”
For example, if the Holy Ghost has been prompting you to say “thank you” more often, and you respond to that prompting, then He may feel it's time for you to move on to something more challenging– like learning to say, “I'm sorry; that was my fault.”
The results will surprise you
Personal finance is a hobby of mine. Here's a stat that blew me away when I first learned it, and continues to shock me:
If you are 20 years old, a $1 bill will be worth the equivalent of today's 26 cents due to inflation by the time you are 65. However, if you invest that $1 into the market today, you can expect that same $1 will turn into $88 in the same amount of time. For kids, it's even better– the money my 8-year-old is saving right now will likely grow more than 240x!
In both personal finance and in our efforts to improve ourselves, it's amazing how small, incremental decisions we make today can have tremendous life-altering impacts years down the road. But it's hard to see when we're in the thick of it.
A young woman went on a pioneer trek activity when she was 14. Hauling handcarts under the Arizona sun was not her idea of a good time and she bowed her head, watching the ground roll endlessly, slowly by under her feet. One morning when she felt particularly discouraged climbing a large hill, one of the youth in her company paused to look back. He pointed to the valley below where they could see– far in the distance– the spot where they had camped the night before. She was amazed she had come so far so quickly. This new perspective changed her attitude during the activity. But she could only see her progress by looking back.
We become discouraged pursuing our resolutions and "personal priorities" when our heads are looking down. I don't feel much different today than when I started my "personal priority" effort– every day seems to still be a grind full of flaws and weaknesses. But that's where the Spirit comes in. Elder Lawrence again:
The Spirit can show us our weaknesses, but He is also able to show us our strengths. Sometimes we need to ask what we are doing right so that the Lord can lift and encourage us. When we read our patriarchal blessings, we are reminded that our Heavenly Father knows our divine potential. He rejoices every time we take a step forward. To Him, our direction is ever more important than our speed.
New Year's Day's resolutions
If you haven't already ditched your new formal year's resolution, I invite you to do so now. And replace it with a new day's resolution– a continual cycle of personal improvement in small ways to last throughout the year and into the eternities. Most importantly, make daily follow-ups with the Lord, and involve Him in deciding what you should focus on next. Again, echoing Elder Lawrence:
I would like to suggest that each of you participate in a spiritual exercise sometime soon, perhaps even tonight while saying your prayers. Humbly ask the Lord the following question: “What is keeping me from progressing?” In other words: “What lack I yet?” Then wait quietly for a response. If you are sincere, the answer will soon become clear. It will be revelation intended just for you.
If we do so, he quotes this powerful promise from Pres. Kimball:
Where there is a prayerful heart, a hungering after righteousness, a forsaking of sins, and obedience to the commandments of God, the Lord pours out more and more light until there is finally power to pierce the heavenly veil… A person of such righteousness has the priceless promise that one day he shall see the Lord's face and know that he is.
And that's a resolution worth sticking to.
